Atalanta Pendragonne (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
atalantapendrag) wrote2023-07-22 12:47 pm
atalantapendrag) wrote2023-07-22 12:47 pm
(no subject)
I'm leaving this private for now. I might delete it or unlock it later. I don't know. I need to get my thoughts out, because I am absolutely suicidal and if this is the thing that breaks me I want the people I love to understand.
When Nori approached me about moving to Spokane and living with Tony, It was with the understanding that I would do the bulk of the housework and cooking in exchange for paying less of the rent, and that Nori would be able to help and support me when I got here, with getting food stamps and applying for medicaid, finding a therapist, and getting settled.
The first alarm bell I had was on the trip up. When Tony got sick from something he ate on the road and my 50th birthday was cooling my heels in an unfamiliar, isolated place while he recovered. It happens. I felt bad for him, since he was clearly miserable. But it was still rough for me to have a major milestone birthday after a couple of REALLY hard years turn out that way. And instead of commiserating, Nori told me, "I'm sorry you don't feel celebrated".
But I didn't let myself think about it. And I got here, and Nori and Makoto were certainly friendly the first couple of days. But once I was dropped off at my new apartment, I heard from them less and less. And the financial side was... not what I was lead to believe. Tony wasn't working at all, and my lower share of the rent really wasn't much lower. But still, I did the bulk of the cooking and all the housework. Tony was unwilling to drive me anywhere, and I was having a much harder time adjusting than I expected.
I would reach out to Nori by text or DM, and they would either not answer, or vaguely offer to "come over a bit this weekend", which never happened. A couple of times we had plans that they either stood me up entirely, or hastily brushed off when I checked to see if they were still on. Tony got evasive when I tried to set up a budget, and I asked Nori for help, which they agreed to but never did.
Because I didn't have a budget to refer to, I needed Nori's help with the food stamp application. Over my explicit objections, they filled it out as a joint application for Tony and I, which was declined. Ok. It took another month or two to get Nori's help (since, still, I did not have a budget to refer to) with a medicaid application, when I was told that I DID qualify for food stamps on my own.
Nori never acknowledged or apologized for overriding me about the food stamp application. This really upset me, but it was done, and I had food stamps.
Adjusting continued to be hard. Reaching out to Nori only to be brushed off with a continual "maybe next week" when all I wanted was a chance to talk about how I could adapt easier (whether in person or through chat, I am very used to having conversations online!) felt more and more futile. I still needed help finding a therapist.
And when Tony started spending all his time on BlueSky, his behavior started to change. He started acting arrogant and vain. He stopped treating me as a household member and teammate, and like an outsider and annoyance. He made some frankly creepy comments about what actresses he could "pull" and how if Tony Soprano could get all those women, so could he. And I couldn't get Nori to have a conversation about it.
The reason Ton and I had been able to make things work as well as we had was being able to trust that we were both acting in good faith. BUt I knew he no longer was extending me that good faith when we were discussing hitting up farmer's markets and doing meal prep and I was happy and excited for what felt like the first time in months... and he accused me of mocking him.
And then, while Tony was planning a trip that he had told me was to visit family, Boston died. It wasn't unexpected, of course, but I was still crushed. I was still recovering from a knee injury and wouldn't be able to get out and about on my own yet, so I asked him to please take me on an outing of some sort before his trip.
First, he said we could go out the day before he left. Then he annouced he'd be spending that day making red gravy to bring on his trip. WITHOUT so much as acknowledging that he'd said he'd get me out of the house that day.
Then, on his trip, he posted on BlueSky about finding the best bagel place in Minneapolis - when I had literally been asking since day fucking one for a trip to what I'd been told was the best bagel shop in Spokane. He commented on someone's post about the Magnetic Fields - I band I love dearly, but every time I listened to them he would make so many nasty comments I'd stopped listening to them. Posts of cheery pictures from a meetup without even a token "Thanks to Lanta for holding down the fort". He posted about trying to find Cheerwine, and when I replied that there was a place in Spokane that carried it, he told me that didn't count. I felt so fucking disrespected and disregarded.
And when I talked to Nori about it, they said that this is how Tony gets when he has that New Relationship energy, and he was likely planning to move to Minneapolis.
When Tony videochatted to check in on Kuno the next day, I told him I was upset about these things, and when he got back we needed to talk it through. He told b=me that "the idea of his happiness being at someone else's expense was triggering".
I don't know what Nori said to him, but I was confused to be told that he was heading back. No communication while he was traveling.
It wasn't until he was at Nori's that I thought to ask if their comment about him moving to Minneapolis was based on anything, and Nori admitted it had been sheer conjecture based on catastrophizing. I can only guess at what they might have said to him about me with as little basis in fact.
I said that I needed some reassurance that Tony was still treating me with good faith before we started having the conversations we needed to have. Instead, they forwarded a list of demands from Tony that boiled down to "Don't address me unless it's an emergency, and you have to guess what is and isn't important".
Still. Nori and Tony came over, and I tried to talk in good faith. I pointed out the degree to which Tony had completely ignored MY privacy while insisting on his.
And then Tony started talking about how angry HE was. About me pointing out how rude he was about The Magnetic Fields when I listened to them. I recognized the way he was working himself up - it was the same escalation my abusive ex displayed, working himself up over something like me using the wrong glass or droppeing a "too pretentious" word in conversation as the excuse for an hours-long beating that would culminate in rape. Nori was silent and I had a full on PTSD-fueled panic attack and retreated to my room. I don't know when they left. I tried messaging Nori while desperately trying to get my brain back into the present. They asked , when had they ever not had my back? I did say that it had hurt all the times I had reached out to them in vain.
Their response -
"I need to be real here- the reason I have been working so much this year is to get out of the financial hole I've been in since your move.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to have you up here and out of Texas. And I'm happy I could help. But there was a financial cost, as well as a cost to my social capital with many people, including Tony. I cashed in a lot of favors, good will and credit score to get you safe.
I don't regret it, I'm not asking for repayment, but I need you to understand how hurtful it was for you to imply that I don't have your back."
I apologized immediately, and gave them the space they needed.
I was still in PTSD-spawned crisis and not sure of how many days later when Makoto and Tony came over, without letting me know first. They knocked once and came in - I was not fully dressed, literally in the bathroom, with my head uncovered. Makoto commented on my hair and I felt so fucking uncomfortable, almost as much as I would have if I'd been shirtless and she'd commented on my breasts. Still, all I said was a reiteration of my apology to Nori.
THat was over two weeks ago, and none of them have been in touch. I'm still in a deep state of crisis.
When Nori approached me about moving to Spokane and living with Tony, It was with the understanding that I would do the bulk of the housework and cooking in exchange for paying less of the rent, and that Nori would be able to help and support me when I got here, with getting food stamps and applying for medicaid, finding a therapist, and getting settled.
The first alarm bell I had was on the trip up. When Tony got sick from something he ate on the road and my 50th birthday was cooling my heels in an unfamiliar, isolated place while he recovered. It happens. I felt bad for him, since he was clearly miserable. But it was still rough for me to have a major milestone birthday after a couple of REALLY hard years turn out that way. And instead of commiserating, Nori told me, "I'm sorry you don't feel celebrated".
But I didn't let myself think about it. And I got here, and Nori and Makoto were certainly friendly the first couple of days. But once I was dropped off at my new apartment, I heard from them less and less. And the financial side was... not what I was lead to believe. Tony wasn't working at all, and my lower share of the rent really wasn't much lower. But still, I did the bulk of the cooking and all the housework. Tony was unwilling to drive me anywhere, and I was having a much harder time adjusting than I expected.
I would reach out to Nori by text or DM, and they would either not answer, or vaguely offer to "come over a bit this weekend", which never happened. A couple of times we had plans that they either stood me up entirely, or hastily brushed off when I checked to see if they were still on. Tony got evasive when I tried to set up a budget, and I asked Nori for help, which they agreed to but never did.
Because I didn't have a budget to refer to, I needed Nori's help with the food stamp application. Over my explicit objections, they filled it out as a joint application for Tony and I, which was declined. Ok. It took another month or two to get Nori's help (since, still, I did not have a budget to refer to) with a medicaid application, when I was told that I DID qualify for food stamps on my own.
Nori never acknowledged or apologized for overriding me about the food stamp application. This really upset me, but it was done, and I had food stamps.
Adjusting continued to be hard. Reaching out to Nori only to be brushed off with a continual "maybe next week" when all I wanted was a chance to talk about how I could adapt easier (whether in person or through chat, I am very used to having conversations online!) felt more and more futile. I still needed help finding a therapist.
And when Tony started spending all his time on BlueSky, his behavior started to change. He started acting arrogant and vain. He stopped treating me as a household member and teammate, and like an outsider and annoyance. He made some frankly creepy comments about what actresses he could "pull" and how if Tony Soprano could get all those women, so could he. And I couldn't get Nori to have a conversation about it.
The reason Ton and I had been able to make things work as well as we had was being able to trust that we were both acting in good faith. BUt I knew he no longer was extending me that good faith when we were discussing hitting up farmer's markets and doing meal prep and I was happy and excited for what felt like the first time in months... and he accused me of mocking him.
And then, while Tony was planning a trip that he had told me was to visit family, Boston died. It wasn't unexpected, of course, but I was still crushed. I was still recovering from a knee injury and wouldn't be able to get out and about on my own yet, so I asked him to please take me on an outing of some sort before his trip.
First, he said we could go out the day before he left. Then he annouced he'd be spending that day making red gravy to bring on his trip. WITHOUT so much as acknowledging that he'd said he'd get me out of the house that day.
Then, on his trip, he posted on BlueSky about finding the best bagel place in Minneapolis - when I had literally been asking since day fucking one for a trip to what I'd been told was the best bagel shop in Spokane. He commented on someone's post about the Magnetic Fields - I band I love dearly, but every time I listened to them he would make so many nasty comments I'd stopped listening to them. Posts of cheery pictures from a meetup without even a token "Thanks to Lanta for holding down the fort". He posted about trying to find Cheerwine, and when I replied that there was a place in Spokane that carried it, he told me that didn't count. I felt so fucking disrespected and disregarded.
And when I talked to Nori about it, they said that this is how Tony gets when he has that New Relationship energy, and he was likely planning to move to Minneapolis.
When Tony videochatted to check in on Kuno the next day, I told him I was upset about these things, and when he got back we needed to talk it through. He told b=me that "the idea of his happiness being at someone else's expense was triggering".
I don't know what Nori said to him, but I was confused to be told that he was heading back. No communication while he was traveling.
It wasn't until he was at Nori's that I thought to ask if their comment about him moving to Minneapolis was based on anything, and Nori admitted it had been sheer conjecture based on catastrophizing. I can only guess at what they might have said to him about me with as little basis in fact.
I said that I needed some reassurance that Tony was still treating me with good faith before we started having the conversations we needed to have. Instead, they forwarded a list of demands from Tony that boiled down to "Don't address me unless it's an emergency, and you have to guess what is and isn't important".
Still. Nori and Tony came over, and I tried to talk in good faith. I pointed out the degree to which Tony had completely ignored MY privacy while insisting on his.
And then Tony started talking about how angry HE was. About me pointing out how rude he was about The Magnetic Fields when I listened to them. I recognized the way he was working himself up - it was the same escalation my abusive ex displayed, working himself up over something like me using the wrong glass or droppeing a "too pretentious" word in conversation as the excuse for an hours-long beating that would culminate in rape. Nori was silent and I had a full on PTSD-fueled panic attack and retreated to my room. I don't know when they left. I tried messaging Nori while desperately trying to get my brain back into the present. They asked , when had they ever not had my back? I did say that it had hurt all the times I had reached out to them in vain.
Their response -
"I need to be real here- the reason I have been working so much this year is to get out of the financial hole I've been in since your move.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to have you up here and out of Texas. And I'm happy I could help. But there was a financial cost, as well as a cost to my social capital with many people, including Tony. I cashed in a lot of favors, good will and credit score to get you safe.
I don't regret it, I'm not asking for repayment, but I need you to understand how hurtful it was for you to imply that I don't have your back."
I apologized immediately, and gave them the space they needed.
I was still in PTSD-spawned crisis and not sure of how many days later when Makoto and Tony came over, without letting me know first. They knocked once and came in - I was not fully dressed, literally in the bathroom, with my head uncovered. Makoto commented on my hair and I felt so fucking uncomfortable, almost as much as I would have if I'd been shirtless and she'd commented on my breasts. Still, all I said was a reiteration of my apology to Nori.
THat was over two weeks ago, and none of them have been in touch. I'm still in a deep state of crisis.