atalantapendrag

Ok, I am tired.

Forced myself to go to the clinic yesterday morning. My counselor complimented me for getting in conversations with the other clients but I felt like a fake. Oh well. Last night I played Cards Against Humanity with some of the folks from Radio Dead Air chat and had a blast. I even won a round!

Today was psychiatrist day. As usual I went super early; even stopping at Dollar General (got a t-shirt and some instant mashed potatoes) and the liquor store (ROMPOPE FUCK YEAH) I was three hours early, but I was lucky and got seen two hours early! Which would have been more helpful if the doctor hadn't said "I don't know how to help you, keep going to therapy". So I am off the lithium and just on Haldol and Valium PRN.

But getting seen early meant getting out early meant I went to Amillion Tattoos and Piercing to get the ink I've been craving! (after a stop at Arby's for a protein-rich lunch and a nice chat with the counter girl) I showed the artist, Jorge, the pages in Hothead Paisan with the lamp and described what I wanted, he quoted me a reasonable price, and went to draw it up. It was just what I wanted! So I filled out the paperwork and we got down to business. It hurt, but not dreadfully, and right now it isn't even a little sore.

My new ink, forgive the crappy selfie -

And after that, I went to Walgreens to pick up my meds and some lotion for the healing tattoo. So I have been busy busy and right now I am making matzoh ball soup because I may be tired but I want noms!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Date: 2013-04-10 01:34 am (UTC)

From:

sathari

no subject

I am mad proud of you!!! Doing awesome!

(Here's a Thing, a la Kareen Koudelka's version of Betan psych terminology, lol--- specifically about what I think are the kind of social interactions the counselor wants you to be working on, per your previous posts: they are kinda fake and superficial. They're about shutting your stuff off for a few breaths here and there to figure out stuff to say that won't take up other people's spoons, and/or will get you some desired result, usually material, like buying shit or getting through a doctor's appointment.

The awesome thing about internet fandom is that authentic, or at least genuine, responses are more likely to come first in our interactions with new people, simply because we don't fucking well HAVE to interact with each other--- if you don't like what you're reading, that handy-dandy back button is a thing and so is the ban_set command. So, setting aside trolling behaviors, we're more likely to find people in online fandom with whom we get to be real, at least relative to a specific topic--- I may not share RL info with a new online contact, but I'm not going to start up a conversation unless I like what I see of that person's fannish thoughts on our shared fandom in the first place and so I'm going to bring the bit of my real self that matches what I see of that other person's real self, even if it is just, "Oh, I think this character is awesome for the same reasons you do!" (I mean, I know there are people who are the opposite of that and feel the need to wander into random strangers' posts to tell them how they're Doing It Wrong, but... that's not me, and I stay away from that.)

Date: 2013-04-10 03:06 am (UTC)

atalantapendrag

The culture gap makes progress difficult. She said I should write about my writer's block but then she didn't read it and I could feel the disconnect... to me, writing is for communicating with people and having my words go unread is a form of rejection, to her it was some kind of mindfulness exercise. And when I try to explain she seems to want to steer me to her POV instead of considering mine.

Also, when I remarked about not being young anymore, she said I was young. Um, I certainly hope 40 counts as middle-aged, how long do I have to live? I'd be more chill about it if she wasn't younger than I am.

Date: 2013-04-11 12:36 am (UTC)

Oooh, ugh. That's rough. And... when you feel like you're not heard by a therp, something is wrong with that picture.

Oh, jeez, that "young" thing. It was probably coming from... I know there's a recent study although I am being too lazy to hunt it down, about health benefits that seemed to be correlated with thinking of yourself as "young" versus "old" and that was probably where she was going with it? But... it also seems like another piece of her creating a space in which you did not feel like your perspective had a place. Which, not cool.

Date: 2013-04-11 12:52 am (UTC)

In my experience, not being heard by the therp has been the rule rather than the exception. And that's 35 years of experience. At least she comes across as not getting it as opposed to actively judgmental like one therp I had, and I don't have to cover the same territory every session like another one I had who never bothered with notes.

Not as useful as a queer, fannish, netizen therp, but "not actually hostile" is something.

Date: 2013-04-12 01:28 am (UTC)

Eyah.

...mind if I ask what therps do that make you feel that they're hearing vs. not? No pressure to answer, just < insert "the more you know" gif here >, lol.

Date: 2013-04-12 02:38 pm (UTC)

That's a good question because it's something I often feel on a pre-verbal level (my thoughts are in concepts first, then the words come... it's taken me a while to realize that this is maybe not the norm). A biggie is having to explain the same things over and over. Also when they brush aside something I mention I feel is important. I only felt really heard with a therp who could engage with me a little on my own terms; we both watched SIX FEET UNDER and there were some very useful parallels to be made there, she backed me when the caseworker I had did some really out of line stuff (demanding to see my bank statements), that sort of thing.

Date: 2013-04-13 04:26 am (UTC)

Thank you for this! That part about "you get to decide what is important, the therp gets to work with that" is... big, I think.

Also, fellow person who thinks in concepts first and words second, o hai!

Date: 2013-04-14 04:57 pm (UTC)

The trouble with thinking in concepts before words is it seems to derail cognitive behavioral therapy :( not sure if it hamstrings dialectical behavioral therapy the same way but I am wary.